It came to me, as people would say, yesterday, today, I simply can not get away from the topic which I want to tell you about and that is, sounds completely absurd and contradictory,and try to understand what I’m going to tell you…
The topic is “How I fell in love with my narcissist”.
I was inspired by a comment I received regarding what all these experiences actually serve us for, because experience with a narcissist and with any other personality disorder is very very difficult and causes great suffering.
And then we call them “toxic”.
And then they say: How can you label someone “toxic” ?
Well… how can I tell you…
Not a single word should be taken too derogatorily.
Toxic means poisonous.
We become poisoned by someone’s presence.
We are being poisoned by something which we have to accept first that it is so and then clean it because we cannot clean and release anything until we first accept it.
And acceptance is such a deep thing,
We have to accept… What I actually wanted to say is that we have to accept that poison.
We have to accept the evil and poison exist even within us.
In order to let it go.
And that’s why this video is called “How I fell in love with my narcissist”.
Acceptance, of any thing, is a change of karma
And a change of destiny.
What is the use of such a difficult lesson?
A very dear client of mine also wrote:”But why is this much suffering necessary, why this much suffering, can it be a little less?”
Well, obviously, it can’t.
Some people learn from small mistakes,some need huge and strong blow in order for something to change,in order for something to become aware…
Maybe we need to be hurt a lot in order to become aware and then accept that thing we became aware of and then change, transform or let go the thing we became aware of.
Firstly, the toxic things we get from the narcissist, with which he/she poisons us,are all those things I have already talked about, but first of all that thing is – How much am I worth?
I am not worthy.
My sense of worth is zero.
Are you aware of how much you are worth?
Do you need a relationship with a narcissist to realize how little you valued yourself?
So,maybe sometimes we need such a painful relationship in order to realize how little we have valued ourselves for example.
And the fact that we valued ourselves so little stems from childhood or even from a previous reincarnation or even from our mother’s womb if she didn’t truly want us for any reason.
Child feels that.
It is being born with a feeling of rejection.
A child is born with a feeling of rejection.
Therefore, all its life it has the belief that it has to work hard in order to deserve someone’s love
or that it has to be perfect in order to be accepted, or whatever, you all already know that.
I mean, anyone who works even a little bit on himself/herself knows what some deeply held beliefs are.
So, why a relationship, why it has to hurt so much?
Well it has to.
It has to some of us, in order to remind us, for example, how little we have valued ourselves.
I said this, at one point, while working on myself,for a toxic relationship,
This relationship has been the best so far and it was toxic.
Can you imagine then how much, how can I say, low self-esteem from childhood and primary family is
compared to how we were treated by others.
We have acquired the belief how much love we deserve and do we deserve love just by existing and being the way we are, or we have to try hard to deserve someone’s love, because we have acquired that belief.
Because the love was conditional, if you are good, you will get this and that and you will be loved…
And most often it happened that even when we do that, we get only a few crumbs of love until the next request, because such parents are not capable of, hardly any, but such parents, as soon as we have some great conditioning, are never capable of giving unconditional love, first of all because they don’t love themselves.
A narcissistic parent is also someone with deep trauma and that should be understood
but it shouldn’t be, how can i put it, justified it needs to be understood in working on yourself.
So, I am saying it once again, a relationship with a narcissist is there to remind us,
it has to hurt so much
in order for us to realize how little we have valued ourselves,
to realize how much we rejected ourselves for the sake of others,
to realize how much we exceeded our own limits,
to realize how much we went beyond ourselves,
to realize how much we went beyond the limits of our own body,
to realize how huge those expectations were of us,
to realize that we have lived with the feeling that we were not good enough,
to realize that we have believed every narcissist’s lie,
every narcissist’s manipulation,
everything, and especially that we are not good enough.
And that , when we are angry, when we are frustrated, we don’t have any rights to that, and that we always have to be positive, phenomenal, smiling, great, that we have no right to our emotions, that we have no right to be sad, that we have no right to be tired, confused, distracted…
You all have the right to it!
But the relationship with the narcissist reminds you how much you used to beat yourself up,
no one else but yourself,
only you yourself.
And why do I say: How I fell in love with my narcissist?
You know the saying – You attract what you vibrate
if we have attracted the narcissist in our life one way or another,
that means that deep down
we have a history of such relationship,
that means that we deep down in our body
have a memory of a similar relationship,
in the primary family, in the previous reincarnation, in whatever.
And that it was something very painful for us.
And that because of that it is something that we suppressed,
we suppressed the pain,
we suppressed the memory of the pain,
and we suppressed the memory of the evil done.
We have to… What does it mean to accept the evil?
We have to accept that memory.
Because whatever we don’t accept, it manifests itself externally.
We must, in our body, bring to consciousness the memory of all our pains,
feelings of abandonment,
neglect, belittling, criticizing, humiliating,
the feeling when we felt that we do not exist, that we are nobody and nothing, that we are invisible…
This is realized in the work with the therapist.
That means accepting the evil, that means accepting the memory of pain,
that means being aware of all those moments.
And the relationship with the narcissist reminds us of all that.
And then the awareness of former pain begins.
So, a relationship with a narcissist is only something that allows us to enter our shadow,
to enter our pain
which was only potentiated by this relationship;
to make it conscious, illuminate it,
to let it pass through our body,
integrate it, and say it’s okay…
Even though I survived all that and even though I felt worthless, like zero, like nothing,
I will work on this
and realize that I am still valuable and worthy of love,
first of all, for myself,
and just by accepting the pain we are accepting ourselves.
That’s how I fell in love with my narcissist.
Because he enabled me to do something that had never been seen before and that will hurt and constantly bring new challenges and relationships until you face your pain which was, on the first place, unconscious in you.
That’s how I fell in love with my narcissist.
And that why I say that we should never be disappointed,
that’s not the way to do it.
It hurts a lot
It hurts like hell
But we must take responsibility
for our growth, for our sense of inner value,
for our belief in how much valuable and worthy of love we are
and that is how much love we give to ourselves,
starting with how we treat ourselves.
Let’s not go into it any deeper.
But we must take responsibility for our growth,
and be grateful for that painful experience.
And I am really, really, really grateful.
I love you so much.
I hope you understood everything.
And write in the comments whether you really understood
what it means to accept yourselves, to accept your pain